Wise Dutch man

Okay, the Sotomayor hearings have me worried. Something has to be done or this woman will soon be activating from the highest court in the land. So I want to demonstrate the underlying falseness of her “word play” by showing how wise a Dutch man can be. I know, those three words have heretofore only been used as a reference to Abraham Kuyper, but this is an act of desperation. So, a few bits of wisdom from one of the last demographic groups it’s still OK to discriminate against.

• Don’t eat the olliebollen.
• The best place to find a good Dutch wife and raise lots of little blonde-haired rug-crawlers is Dordt College. That’s why a lot of us don’t go there (although I did). I mean, let’s face it, there’s a reason they refer to Dutch women as “sturdy.” My wife would be the exception of course – no one would ever call her sturdy. Not that she’s weak or anything so she could be considered sturdy in the sense of structural strength, and she’s not one of those skinny tall girls with legs that . . . OK, dropping shovel now.
• There’s a reason you don’t see Dutch restaurants. Dutch cuisine tends to run long on fat and sugar, preferably both at once – I think they thought the top of the old food pyramid was the good part. Eating Dutch food is how most of us got to be sturdier than our wives. Truth in advertising would require a Dutch restaurant chain to be called Cholesterol R Us.
• All the dumb Dutchmen jokes are simply an insidious plot to neutralize us as one of the greatest forces for good the world has ever seen. We are a proud race with a long history of martial prowess . . . um, no, maybe scientific accomplishment . . . well, OK, how about athletic domination? Rats. Hey, we are good at tulips and really bizarre footwear. And one on one we could probably take the average Frenchman. At least we don’t put peppers in our ice cream.
• You can whine, complain, sniffle, wheeze and pretend to be at death’s door, but if you have a Dutch wife you’re going to church anyway. So hang onto the few shreds of dignity you have left and don’t even try.
• We Dutch men have big thighs because it’s our genetic heritage – we’re the product of generations of ice skaters and bicyclists. Don’t know where the belly comes from but I’m sure that’s not my fault either.
• Cleanliness isn’t actually next to godliness, but it is the best way to get your mother to leave you alone.
• Politics is easy. It doesn’t matter if your guy has his hand in the till or routinely charters the good ship Monkey Business (props for the gratuitous Gary Hart reference, huh? Remember him?), if he’s for school vouchers and against abortion it’s OK to vote for him.

There, see? I may not be Supreme Court material, but it’s obvious my insight is at last as good as the sturdy – oops, meant wise – Latina woman under consideration.